The leader, another guy and myself got together and talked. I told him how I felt awkward at the meeting. We think it's because when my intimate moment with God ended I became self-conscious, becoming aware of the man whose cock I sucked and of the other guys in the room watching me. He said I should have let the intimacy continue after I sucked God off. Even though there was one man and one woman consecrated to be God's vessels, God is in all of us, everywhere, and aware of everything. Sex with God didn't need to end with His cum in my throat. I quit having sex with God, He didn't quit having sex with me. He was still having sex with the men and the woman in the other room. He wasn't spent. I should have continued.
The leader has ideas for the meetings and wants my input, approval and participation. He made a point of saying he didn't need me and that God has and will provide other women vessels, but he wants me and thinks it's God's will that I participate. A part of me wants to say, "Fine, whatever you want." Another part wants to tell him to fuck off. But it's not about him, it's about God.
Loving, serving and surrendering to God is my passion. Sex is my calling. Whether at a meeting or alone with an evangelical in my apartment, God comes first and is foremost in my mind. The meetings are an outreach, a learning experience, a time to let someone else lead and fellowship. God wants me to participate. I look forward to tonight's meeting. I'm going to surrender like I never have.
We also talked about STD testing. The leader wants everyone tested once a month and the results emailed to him. He's planning meetings without condoms for committed participants.
